Into my Heart
Over the past year I’ve been holding onto a lot of anger and resentment. At community meditation, I sought answers to two questions; why can’t I let go of these emotions and what purpose do they serve?
Guided to go into my heart I experienced a “little me” being pumped from chamber to chamber by my life blood. Constant movement, pushed, pulled, tossed, submerged, battered about, struggling to stay afloat in the constant, relentless movement. This is my life force; this is being alive!
Going deeper brought abrupt stillness, my heart was an empty chamber, no fluid, no movement, no sound.
Sudden fear, isolation, confusion, emptiness.
Deeper still. The vastness extended, smallness amplified. Emptiness, anger, fear.
My heart is empty. No life, no love, no answers, nothing.
Meditation over. Reflection begins.
Sharing the experience prompted a different perspective. My questions were answered. Letting go of the emotions brings peace, stillness, space. Holding on is comfortable, the calmness and space is foreign and frightening.
A suggestion was made to further explore my heart. What was the floor like, the walls, what colors, textures, how was the light? I should “plug in” to find the bottom. I feel small and empty, I need to grow tall and gain fullness, bring balance.
The heart revisited.
A 90-minute body treatment, including essential oils and crystals placed at chakra points, Reiki and gentle massage, presents an ideal opportunity to find my heart’s foundation and explore the space more closely.
The solar plexus chakra emanates heat and draws my attention, creating a sense of awareness. Focusing my mind to become the “small me” in my vast, empty heart I begin an expedition to ground myself.
I discover the floor; hard, smooth, polished, stone. Not marble or granite, more like bedrock. All the weak, cracked, brittle layers are worn away by the constant turbulence of anger and resentment. What is left is refined and enduring.
The walls; curved, firm but flexible, amorphous, jeweled tones intermixing and shifting, translucent, soothing. There are no windows but light streams through the ever changing colorful walls.
My heart has no sharp edges, corners, doors, obstructions. It is empty of things but full of possibilities, it expands as I move through it, it moves with me without blockages.
I can dance!
I dance, I twirl, I express myself freely, uninhibited. I invite others to dance and allow them to go without worry, fear or regret.
As I twirl thousands upon thousands of yellow butterflies emerge from their chrysalises and join my expression of joy and freedom.
The answers are all here, there is fullness, stability and balance. Without anger and resentment my heart contains delight, independence, opportunity, potential, and space.
Massage over, further reflection.
The solar plexus or third chakra presented a sense of heat, burning, and heaviness. This chakra represents personal identity (will, personal power, ego, taking control and responsibility for one’s life, setting direction and boundaries, making decisions). My life changes have brought me to a place where I am faced with establishing a new identity, it’s appropriate that this is the area that is of burning interest.
Third chakra color – yellow. How very fascinating that the butterflies released by my joy are yellow! Yellow is sunshine, hope and happiness. However, yellow also represents cowardice and deceit. Bravery and honesty are necessary to be comfortable in this new, calm, spacious heart that I’m forming. Yellow is used for traffic signs and lights to signal caution. Care must be taken as I fill these newly opened spaces to avoid rebuilding chaos.
The Sanskrit name for solar plexus is “Manipura” meaning “city of jewels” or “seat of gems”. I’m astounded by the alignment of my meditative experience with the symbolism and meaning of the third chakra.
As I research the pupal stage of a butterfly’s metamorphosis I learn that within the chrysalis the caterpillar essentially digests itself, the resulting “protein soup” evolves into the brilliant butterfly. The process uses what is gathered during previous stages to create a new form. This is a highly active time in the creature’s development, not peaceful and quiet as it appears from the outside. The process is liquid, tumultuous, a series of reactions that break down before rebuilding into something new, different and beautiful.
I have entered a phase of transformation, deconstructing previous programming, identifying the elements that fit, changing those that don’t. This is an opportunity to allow the chaos to sweep away the clutter and open space for fresh possibilities. The amorphous walls of my heart are the protective shell of my chrysalis. This structure contains a safe, strong, shelter for processing through my previous forms to identify and create a new, transformed version of myself.